Manipulative relationships are never obvious when you are falling in love. Both of you are oblivious to the faults of the other when you are in the throws of romance or the initial stages of friendship. Over time, however, you may begin to feel trapped and controlled. If that is the case, the chances are that you are caught up in a manipulative relationship, and that’s not healthy for you.
Manipulative relationships are managed by a controller
In every manipulative relationship there is a controller, someone who calls all the shots. When you find yourself being told where you can go, when you can go, and who you can go with you are under the thumb of a controller. The controller will do whatever is necessary to keep you from discovering yourself, making your own friends, and most importantly, finding freedom.
Low self-esteem makes you a good candidate for a manipulative relationship
When you have a sense of low self-esteem you are pre-programmed to believe that you are unworthy. You may feel unworthy of love, genuine affection, praise, or success. The controller preys on your low self-esteem to keep you in your place.
In manipulative relationships the controller is never to blame
One of the most noticeable characteristics of a manipulative relationship is that your partner refuses to take responsibility for his or her actions. In fact, he or she refuses to take responsibility for anything. Everything that goes wrong in their life or your relationship is your fault, your responsibility. Even when there seems no possible way to place the blame on you, you will be blamed. For example, a bad day at work is your fault because you burnt the waffles.
Constant guilt is a sign of a manipulative relationship
Another tell-tale sign that you are in a manipulative relationship is when your partner uses guilt as leverage. If you are in a manipulative relationship the chances are good that you are the type of person who heaps guilt upon themselves. You also allow others to manipulate your life and relationships through guilt. It doesn’t really matter if you have done anything wrong, you refuse to forgive yourself, allowing your partner to control you with feelings of guilt. Manipulative personalities are drawn to those whom they can easily conquer and control with guilt.
Manipulative relationships stifle your ability, and eventually your desire, to express yourself
Do you find that most of your ideas are shot down? Are you not allowed to express your emotions, desires, feelings, and creativity? Manipulators don’t want you to shine, unless you are reflecting the spotlight onto them. For example, a man may berate and belittle his wife, but expect her to be on his arm as a trophy wife in the event of a public event. Even then, you are not allowed to express your true personality. If you do, you may be called stupid or worse.
Controllers undermine their partner in a manipulative relationship
Manipulators not only undermine your feelings, they undermine things you set out to do. From being a good wife and mother, to working a good job, getting an education or making friends your significant other will mock you or make subtle jabs at your inability to mother or work outside the home. Nothing you do ever measures up for the controller in a manipulative relationship.
‘Praise’ and other emotional responses are not genuine in a manipulative relationship
On the rare occasions when you receive praise, encouragement, or other emotional support it I usually not sincere. Master manipulators know what buttons to push, good and bad, to get the emotional response they want. In order to keep you bound to the relationship, once they have eroded your self-esteem they may use false praise to give you false hope in the relationship. This is simply the reverse of berating and belittling you. It is like a poker player playing you like a deck of cards.
Manipulators make you feel as if you are holding their life and the relationship together
Part of false praise and sentiment is linked to the controller’s own insecurity. They don’t want you to leave them. You are expected to be a punching bag (verbally or physically) for life. Therefore, if you begin to assert yourself the manipulator may begin to exhibit codependence. For example, you finally get the courage to leave and your significant other gets sick, suddenly needing you. They are mistreating you, but in reality, they are often co-dependent on you at the same time. It sounds like a paradox, but it all goes back to the presence and use of guilt in a manipulative relationship.
Another sign of a manipulative relationship is a partner who avoid discussion and confrontation
Avoiding and even ignoring the significant issues in a relationship enables the controller to continue with his or her behavior. You may think that if you fight and argue all the time in your relationship you are confronting the issues. Most likely, you are not. Arguments and fights usually start over surface issues of little importance, and they provide a great diversion from talking about problems in a relationship that can be fixed.
Passive aggressivepersonalities thrive in manipulative relationships
Do you know something is wrong in your relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is? You know you haven’t done anything wrong, but it is difficult to articulate what your partner has done or is doing to you? Chances are you are in a relationship with someone who is passive aggressive. They are generally angry, controllers whose manipulative behaviors are insidious and difficult to pinpoint. They are the masters of manipulation. Criticism is disguised as praise and encouragement. Arguments are turned on their head until it was your fault that the disagreement started in the first place, but with a passive aggressive it’s hard to figure out how things get twisted. Passive aggressive are master manipulators and masters at manipulating relationships. They appear passive, but are aggressively manipulating you and your relationship in subtle and often menacing ways.
These and other signs may alert you that you are in a harmful manipulative relationship. It may be a friendship, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even a spouse. Because of their behavior it is often difficult to break away from the cycles of guilt and blame that occur over and over in manipulative relationships.
When you look at your relationship with your significant other, if you see signs of a manipulative relationship, you may need to talk with a friend, pastor, or counselor. Often, an outside party has insight into our relationships because we are too close to our partner to see the truth.
Len Bowers, author of Dangerous and Severe Personality Disorder describes manipulation as the use of deception, coercion or trickery to achieve a desired result, without regard for the needs or interests of others. As Bowers and others who have written on manipulation note, the deception, coercion and trickery may take varied forms, but the goal is always the same: the manipulative member of the relationship seeks to maintain control to get what he wants at the expense of others.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship #1: Playing Innocent
A manipulator does not take responsibility for hurting others and instead plays innocent, acting like he is the harmed party when confronted about his hurtful behavior. By playing innocent and casting himself as the victim, he tries to throw his partner off balance, making her feel unjustified or even guilty about challenging his behavior. She may even become sympathetic, feeling that his bad experiences hurt him, instead of seeing his manipulative behavior as an attempt to win at all costs.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship # 2: Rationalizing Behavior
A manipulator will offer rationalizations that justify his behavior, reasons that come close enough to making sense that the partner being manipulated is easily put off guard. The rationalizations are not his true motives, merely a means of justifying his conduct so as to avoid having to have a realistic discussion about changing it.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship # 3: Now You See It, Now You Don’t
Try to discuss an area of disagreement with a manipulator, and the manipulator may try to retain control by changing the topic or throwing in everything including the kitchen sink to distract his partner from the discussion topic.
A classic example of how a manipulator diverts attention from the topic at hand is to talk about how the behavior he’s committed, and the partner has identified as a problem, is something other people do to him. He turns the discussion from his wrongdoing to how he is so often wronged.
Another approach is for him to introduce extraneous factors rather than respond directly to comments or questions.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship # 4: Playing Dumb
Rather than address criticism or requests to change behaviors, a manipulator will often play dumb. With the goal of maintaining power and control, he will ignore the requests and not listen to others’s suggestions.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship # 5: Sharing Half-Truths
A manipulator is likely to hide information that is relevant or deny his behavior by sharing just enough of the truth as necessary to convince others of his honesty. Key aspects of a situation may not be disclosed by a manipulator seeking to maintain control.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship # 6: Inducing Guilt
A manipulative person makes accusations when confronted about his own behavior. Some classics are to accuse the partner of not loving him enough, not doing enough for him, or not doing enough to help him. His inability to change is portrayed as his partner’s fault. Typically, a manipulator chooses an empathetic partner who is vulnerable to this tactic.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship # 7: Jokes and Insults
A manipulator will try to shame or intimidate his partner by making insulting remarks. When confronted, the manipulator will often try to pass off his rude and insulting remarks as “jokes.” A careful and honest listener will realize that his jokes are not funny and have serious, unfriendly overtones.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship #8: Blaming Others
A manipulator avoids responsibility for his own conduct by blaming others for causing it by instigating and leaving him no option but to respond.
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship #9: Minimizing the Significance of Behavior
Expect a manipulator to accuse his partner of making too big a deal out of his behavior. The partner will be accused of exaggerating the behavior itself or its significance. In other words, the manipulator contends “it’s not me who has the problem.”
Signs of a Manipulative Relationship #10: Bullying the Victim
At the first sign his partner is trying to hold him accountable for his behavior, a manipulator may begin to turn the tables by bullying the partner. He may accuse the partner of wrongdoing on other occasions or of always treating him badly. By bullying the partner, he expects her to back off and let him maintain his controlling position.